Success In Sex?You are probably wondering what kind of title THIS is, or is it just some kind of scammy hook to get you to read yet another bland article about another bland topic!Nope! Neither. This time around, I am venturing outside my normal business/lifestyle topics into the spicier side of life!When I started writing I wanted to cover success in ALL areas of life. So, it occurred to me that sex is a part of life, a rather big part. We are all grown-ups, and I don’t think the subject is taboo.Having said all that, the “S” I referred to in the title of this article is for “Success”. The question is, how to have successful sex?My husband and I have been married for 35 years. We haven’t always had a smooth road, and actually we hit quite a few potholes early in our marriage, but the last few years have been really great!Flow In SexI’ve been reading a terrific book titled, “The Rise of Superman: Decoding the Science of Ultimate Human Performance”, and no, it’s not a book about sex, but there are some things than can pertain to the subject. This book discusses our ability to move into a “flow” state, or the “zone” as some call it.I don’t think there is anyone that would deny that good sex is about as good as it gets, but there are those action and adventure folks that can get into a pretty amazing “flow” state which has a few things in common with good sex!Wikipedia says, “In positive psychology, flow energy, also known as the zone, is the mental state of operation in which a person performing an activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity. In essence, flow is characterized by complete absorption in what one does.”Rise of the Superman quotes researcher of the “Happiness Study”, Csikszentminhalyi as saying of the flow state, “being so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.”Doesn’t that sound a lot like really successful sex? I think so too!Being Fully PresentIn the Psychology Today article, How Creative Flow Is Like Sex, Susan K. Perry, PhD says:1. In both creative flow and sexual activity, you surrender control.2. Sex and creativity can each feel blocked.3. How you experience sex and how you enter a flow state both relate to your personality.4. Creating can itself cause an erotic charge.Why does this matter? It matters because there is one crucial element to being in flow that definitively effects successful sex. That element is being fully present.Think about it. When you are a younger couple it is difficult to be fully present if you have children that you never know when will cry, or walk in on you. Also, when you are younger, you may not have worked through a lot of the trust or vulnerability issues that actually keep you from being fully present.If you are stuck in past hurts, or have trust issues that haven’t been worked out yet, it is nearly impossible to enter into an absolute present mindset, and therefore enjoy truly successful sex.What Can You Do?Let’s be honest, most men don’t have a problem with this. It’s just the way they are built. Women however, need to feel secure and safe to really be able to enter into a sexual flow state for absolute successful sex. If the relationship has unresolved issues relating to trust and security, it’s most likely going to be really hard for her to fully experience everything possible.Worry is one of the top enemies to being fully present. As the saying goes, “Worry won’t stop the bad stuff from happening, it just stops you from enjoying the good”. Am I free from worry all the time? Of course not, but I work on it. I try to stay in touch with what is happening in my mind and body.So I imagine the big question is, how can you improve this area in your life by being more present?I think there are a few things you can do.First, work on separating your mind from worry. Try meditation as a way to identify when you are feeling worry and stress in your body so that you can stop when you decide to have sexual time with your partner.If at all possible, try planning ahead for that special time. Whether early in the morning, or a weekend afternoon say, you can prepare your state of mind ahead of time. Be sure to share your idea with your partner so you can insure you are both on the same page.Next, during your times of meditation, or perhaps coaching, see if you can identify areas that are keeping you stuck in the past. No doubt, past experiences can cause us to believe things that aren’t true, and keep us from experiencing all that is available to us in the present.If there is any part of you that does not believe you are created as a sexual being, meant to truly find fulfillment and over the top pleasure with your partner there are issues that need to be addressed.If you are a younger couple with children in the home, make sure you and your partner will not be interrupted or walked in on. It is OK to lock your door. More children have issues around walking in on their parents than from confronting a locked door. More importantly, make sure the kids are truly down for the night, at school, or whatever.Trust me! I know how difficult it can be to find a truly private time with children in the house, but it’s your job to be creative.If you can’t have honest conversations about your sexual relationship with your partner, what you like, or what you don’t like, there is an issue that needs to be dealt with. Deal with it! It’s worth it.I hope with all my heart that you find value and truth in this article. I want nothing more than for you to experience success in this intimate area, as well as every other area of your life. I welcome you to comment and let me know what you think, and any “helps” you can share in an adult manner that would help others.
So, you’ve survived the ravages of puberty to become and adult, only to find that now you’re affected by adult acne. Is it possible to have acne as an adult? Unfortunately the answer to that is a definite yes.Most people won’t get acne as an adult to the same extent they will as teenagers, when hormones are in full effect, but a good twenty five percent of men and fifty percent of women will suffer from acne vulgaris, the medical term for common acne.Acne vulgaris is caused when a hair follicle becomes clogged with oil and skin cells. What happens after that determines the individual effects of acne. If the pore around the follicle is wide open, you’ll get a blackhead, because the material will oxidize. If it’s closed, then you get a whitehead. If it burst open beneath the skin, you get a pimple. If the pimple becomes large and inflamed, then what you have is a cystic lesion.Regardless of the age at which you get it, acne is a problem. It causes embarrassment, self esteem issues and if left untreated, there’s a chance that it can lead to disfiguring scarring that can’t be cured by anything short of plastic surgery.There are several causes of adult acne, but they may not be the ones you’re thinking of. Too much chocolate or too many fats? Nope, not an issue. Nutrition can be a factor, but it’s not a matter of avoiding certain foods so much as improving your overall health through a wholesome diet.Lack of hygiene is rarely an issue. Indeed, it’s far better to treat your face gently and give it two washings a day, morning and night, than to be constantly grinding at it with washing through the day, which will only make the problem worse.The primary causes of adult acne are hormones and stress. This is why, not surprisingly, why women tend to have more problems with adult acne than men do. While stress is an equal opportunity problem, women have a much more complex hormonal system as an adult than men do.Because women’s bodies cycle through various levels of hormones throughout the month in tune with their menstrual cycle, they have a much greater likelihood of developing acne, especially in the week or so before the menstrual period.Aside from hormones, women have an additional factor that can lead to acne as adult: makeup. Makeup applied to the skin and not thoroughly removed each night, and for sensitive skin that might not be enough, can easily clog pores and cause acne. So it’s important to use makeup that works with your skin.Stress affects both men and women, and is a major cause of adult acne. The body is not designed to be under stress for long periods of time, and so most of our reactions to stress are beneficial in the short term and very bad over the long term.Stress causes the body to release stress hormones, which have various effects on the body as a whole but are catastrophic to the skin. The hormones cause the pores to contract, the skin to become oilier and the immune system to become weaker, all of which equal more acne.So the answer to the question of adult acne; is it possible to have acne as an adult? That’s a definite yes, but fortunately, there are a number of ways to treat and manage your adult acne problems, so there is always hope.
If you work with clients who are dealing with a sex addiction it can be difficult, and a little awkward, to know how to provide them with proper treatment while maintaining the comfort level of everyone at hand. The following pieces of advice will help you to navigate the often complex web of treating a client struggling with a sex addiction.1. Help the client find their primary support system. Whether it’s their great-grandmother or their best friend from their high school years, clergy, partner, fellow or sponsor, helping the client to identify their strongest and most trusted support system will help them to realize they aren’t really alone. Some people feel like they’re alone no matter what, but making a point of identifying their strongest supports and keeping this recognition alive will help the client believe that they really can ask for help from other people.2. Identify the questionable influences in the client’s life. The client may have a certain group of buddies that make jokes of their behavior, or they may have a very enabling friend who supports them in trips to strip clubs, bars or objectifying others. Helping the client to identify the people who don’t have such a great influence on them can be a vital step in stunting the growth of a sex addiction. By no means does the client have to cut these people out of their life completely; they just need to find the resolve, create healthy boundaries around the unwanted behaviors and have the assertiveness to tell these people that they aren’t helping and to ask them to modify their behavior.3. Don’t be afraid to talk about sex. Talking about sex can be incredibly awkward, especially if the client is vastly experienced and ashamed to speak about it. Talking may feel wrong and dirty, but the root of their addiction is sex and sexual desire, and allowing them to talk about it freely without fear of judgment is one important way they’re going to get those feelings out. Clients are extremely unlikely to divulge such experiences or thoughts to friends, coworkers, family members, or significant others. You need not reply extensively or identify with their experiences, but let them talk and try to keep the awkwardness to a minimum. You’ll find a sex addict will lie about their behaviors as they believe the behaviors are very shameful. It’s advisable to help them slowly share their secrets and behaviors with no judgment on your part.4. Encourage (temporary) abstinence. To expect a person to remain abstinent forever is somewhat ridiculous, but encouraging a period of abstinence in conjunction with treatment is important. This time of temporary zero sexual activity will help the addict to realize that although sex is nice, they can live without it somewhat comfortably. It is important for the addict to first develop a strong relationship with themselves before bringing in another person. This abstinent period will also force the addict to find other ways to cope with their urges and feelings, mainly through doing productive distracting things like what are called outer-circle behaviors; hobbies, meetings, developing same gender healthy relationships with other recovering addicts, exercise, reading, painting, or cleaning.5. Provide sexual education. Everyone is supposed to receive sex education at some point in their school lives. Many sex addicts are likely to have either forgotten this entirely, or ignore what they’ve learned or never received proper healthy sexual guidance. Bringing the message of sexual education home in a way suited for adults is imperative to helping the sex addict understand healthy sexual behaviors in contrast with the unhealthy ones. Sex education should include lessons on sexually transmitted infections, HIV/AIDS, safe sex, and appropriate partner intimacy.6. Encourage family or marital therapy. You may not personally be legally able to provide it, but encouraging some dynamic of marital or family therapy will help to eliminate some of the lies and excuses that are characteristic of sex addicts, while helping to build positive and effective relationships within the family unit, hopefully eliminating the need to use such lies and excuses in the future. Honesty is the best policy, and although it hurts sometimes, getting it all out there can help the rebuilding process go a lot more smoothly. Just as you wouldn’t want to build a new house on an old crumbling foundation, people struggling with a sex addiction need to build their own new foundation as well.7. Don’t allow those excuses and lies to be used in your sessions. If you want to nip a sex addict’s problem in the bud, you must be firm in not allowing excuses and lies in your meetings with this client. This doesn’t mean that you have to be harsh on them by any means; rather, you should be understanding and empathetic, yet firm in your resolve to not let excuses and lies affect the work you’re trying to do here.8. Encourage working a 12 step program of recovery. You’ll want your patient/client to work a 12 step program of recovery from a sex addiction. SAA, SA or SLAA will help them develop relationships with other recovering sex addicts while attending meetings, getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps. As they work their steps, you can assist them with the issues that will surely arise as they begin to turn their life around from one of shame, suffering and pain to one of joy, happiness and right living.